Well the full moon beamed last night. I was able to glimpse it before going to bed. I was quite surprised, as earlier it was cloudy and I thought that I would not be able to see it. The night before it was big and orange, but just shy of being full. Very much like me who is very big and very full, and feeling a touch a shade of orange.

This is my date. The one I have been looking at for months long. As I have let my eyes linger on the moon these many months I have become spell bound. Believing that these babies would make an appearance with the moon. And why not? My blood flows when the moon ripens. It would be natural to think that this phenomenon would come to be.

But alas….I sit, the night after the full moon, large and unwieldy. My uterus is stretched so much it hurts. Walking is a chore during those first steps after resting. My feet purple after standing for only moments. The end of the day brings great relief when I can finally rest my body for a long period of time. My temper is short with the kids and all I want them to do is go out and play, or to have my husband take them out of the house so I can rest and await the first niggles of birth sensations.

Niggles of birth sensations…yeah right. I have been having niggles of birth sensations for the last 2 weeks! I am feeling worn down, defeated. I want to call my TBA friend and have her check me, maybe "massage" the cervix. I dream of doing "something" …"anything" to kick-start this labor. But I wait. My dear husband reminds that the babies have a birthday and we have to be patient. So I sit here, joyfully miserable. My body not my own, but a vessels with what I figure must be over 7 pounds of baby each. At night I watch them play with each other (feels like tag most nights). Other times I watch a still belly and get scared that something has gone wrong. Oh I just want to see them, to hold them, to nurse them, but most of all…………

I WANT THEM OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay if I was teaching a class what would I say to all those moms…. Patience, this is nature’s way of preparing you for the journey through birth.

Well all I can say is ………

SHUT UP!!!!

Well I don’t really mean that.

At this very moment as I sit in this chair in front of my computer I am having sensations. Groin pulling, butt pulsing sensation (pretty picture don’t ya think). I ponder the words of the Tarot card reader I saw last Saturday. It was all focused on the birth (no kidding). She says to me…you have a task you must do before these babies are born. Yeah right……or yeah right. My sister says it is sewing the cotton cloth bummie wipes I usually make when I have a baby. I’m thinking it must be this journalizing. I don’t know. Lets go find that needle of a task in the haystack of life and have it all be done with. I’m thinking it is the emotional task of accepting that my sister leaves for 10 days this Friday (it is Tuesday now). The task of accepting that though I want her present when my babies are born (much like I wanted her there for the last two and she wasn't) that the very real possibility is that she will not be. I could think of a million emotional tasks, and a few dozen physical tasks. All in all, I am doing what I can and hoping that when I lay my head down that labor will stir me from my slumber and send me on my way to labor land. Wishful thinking.

I take comfort in knowing that I am closer to birth now than I was 2 weeks ago, and that the chances of the babies needing NICU assistance is slim and none. I do not take comfort in the last day that my OB is on call for many days is tomorrow beginning at 8 am and then for the next 24 hours. Talk about pressure. I am still processing how the birth will unfold with attendants that I have never met before, or will I get lucky and know the nurse and OB who are attending. I hate that. I hate the unknown. I don’t want to be on my guard during birth. I want to be left alone, I want to have my wishes respected and not questioned by people that do not know me or what I am made of. I don’t want to be treated like some ignorant bimbo. My attending OB has written a nice little letter tot he attendants of my birth stating I am a women who knows what she wants…so what. If the doc, who is known as the "primadonna" of OB, walks in my room, what do I do? Kick him out…oh great, that sets a nice environment for birth. What if I get the policies and all that crap brought up by everyone who walks in the room?ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG…….

This is my task. Letting go of all the above. Just birthing and not letting anything come between my babies and me. Not easy to do in a clinical setting. I have brought my "bull dog" with me. She is not a working doula, so she has no allegiance tot he hospital. Her allegiance is with me. She knows how to communicate with me; she has seen me birth (my breech). I know she will protect my birth environment. I have rested mush on her shoulders during this time. I am happy to have such a person in my life. We can be ourselves. I know she will support my DH emotionally and help him to help me. I guess this is part of the letting go. In hospital I have to depend on an outside force so that I can let go and birth the babies. If I were at home I would have no need of this. She would still be part of the whole process though, she just wouldn’t have to have the task n her lap that she does.

I have no concerns regarding my heart. I know that the hospital will. But that is their problem. I have told them that I will let them know if I am having a problem and we can care for it then. No sense treating something that does not exist. We are aware. That is enough.

Right now. I’m off to get ready to take this bundle of joy I carry in my belly for a check up and to harass my doc (I really do like him, I just like to ruffle his OB feathers!). In getting ready I will be preparing for the birth of the babies as well. I hope tonight is when I awaken with birth sensations, for that is the ultimate plan on my part. In a perfect world.

I will next journal with a birth announcement. Thank you all for being with me during this "journey to birth"

(PS...it is the next day....I am still pregnant.....i did accomplish one task. The only task which can not be done after the babies arrive....My sister and I created a belly cast.)