Journal entry #5: June 14, 2003

Last night as I drove home after having tea and cheesecake with my sister and best friend, I saw the moon in it’s full glory. The type of moon that is large and tinged orange, casting bright light over the city. How wondrous a moon such as this is to behold.

Life has been as bright and wondrous. My body growing and moving to the rhythm of the pregnancy. The changes are incredible. I feel as if this is the first time I have never been pregnant in all my life. The changes and sensations awe me. At the same time, I am feeling the burden of having such a strain on my body. I wish I could feel light as a feather while carrying the weight. That is not my reality. At times I feel like I can barely move myself about the house. Yesterday, I tried to walk around the cul-de-sac while the children rode their bikes. Not at very fast pace, but after two passes I had to stop. My pelvic joints talking wildly to me, telling me to run to the chiropractor, or at least to sit down.

I am pulled in two directions when it comes to my ever-expanding body. I feel activity intolerant, for even getting up and going upstairs will set my heart to racing, driving around doing small errands will wipe me out for a full afternoon. I keep thinking, "is this because this has been such an inactive pregnancy?" If only I could get up and move I would feel better, have more energy. The new bathing suit I bought hangs in my closet, tags still attached. How and when am I ever going to get to the YMCA pool to unburden this body of mine of the gravitational forces being placed on it. Time seems to be so limited during the day. If I take the time I need to rest, I am losing the time I have to work my body so it feels fresh and alive. I know that activity always makes me feel much better, but how do I do this when I can barely pull myself off the couch to even walk the kids to and from school.

My pregnancy already feels as if it has reached term emotionally. The thoughts and feelings I have when I think of gestating another 6 to 10 weeks are conflicting. I am NOT ready to have these babies yet. Their time inside me is not complete. My body definitely feels ready to *not* be gestating these babies! My mind is NOT ready to be mothering these babies outside my body. I am NOT ready for labor yet. My mental timeline is still at the 30-week mark (which is where I am at now in my pregnancy). This all culminates in some very weird sensation in mind and body. The body is ready, the mind is not! I spend my days "enduring" this heavily pregnant body, and at the end of each one, I am thankful that they babies are still tucked inside me safe and warm. I am thankful that I have been blessed to be able to experience such a journey. Then I go to sleep, only to waken 4 and 5 times a night to pee.

I have been blessed during this pregnancy in that I have the help of my husband and sister. Their working hours are such that I always have assistance with anything I need. I have not had to do any major housework for almost 3 months now. I keep telling my sister that the babies' well being will be greatly due to the assistance she is giving me and my family. My husband has been great in many ways; he keeps many things afloat in regards to home life, and ensures that any minor troubles are not placed on my lap. He makes no demands of me. I feel like our life has grown much and as a couple we are even closer than the day we married. On another note, my husband is not the kind of guy that gets mushy over his pregnant wife. I wish he would comfort me and cuddle me and give me belly rubs as he talked to the babies. I wish for him to change the way he is when I am pregnant. As it is, he tries hard to make contact, but one can see he is stepping outside of himself, and feels awkward. I guess I can only love him and enjoy what he does offer in his own special way (though belly rubs and foot rubs would be a nice thing to get when you feel like a whale).

What of birth plans and the like….well the same as always, I plan to birth, one way or another. My whole focus with this journey is to accept the events as they play out and to not go blindly into anything. I know that pre-term birth is possible for twins. I know what can keep them inside of me longer (good nutrition, emotional stability, etc...). I also know there is the unknown. An example is the whole racing heart issue. If it becomes a greater issue that puts babies and I at risk, well then we walk that path. We deal with the events along the way, and keep our eyes open and remain informed. Even the best-laid plans need to have some insight that they can be waylaid in many unforeseen ways. For me, maintaining the autonomy of the birth is what is important. Not being "taken over" by birth professionals who have no idea who I am or what I know. My plans and knowledge are wide ranging, and all encompassing. I  have plans should I require a surgical birth or if the babies decide to come without assistance (as some babies can and do!). I am prepared and accepting of a long birth, and of a very quick birth. This birth does not stand for anything. It is not a statement to anyone about anything. This is a birth that will further mature me as all life expereinces do, it is a birth that will bring two more children into my life that I can hold in my arms and love with all my heart. It will be a very private event that very few will be part of. I of course will share the outcome, but during the gestation there is very little to tell, for I, in actuallity, plan nothing.

So, I sit here (three days past the full moon) 30 weeks along contemplating the last leg of the pregnancy. I feel the babies move and I play "who is who". I take my rests, and I play with the children. I plan on enjoying this summer for all it is worth, and I plan on squeaking every last day of pregnancy I can get out of this one. As the warm summer days approach, I will enjoy life. I will enjoy every ache and discomfort. I know that this is the last pregnancy for me, so I am not willing for it to end sooner than it needs to be.

So off I go to fill the pool that was purchased yesterday. I’m off to pull the tags off that bathing suit and soak and float in the inflatable on my back deck while the wee children splash around me and soak in the summer sun.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh….what a life!

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