Journal entry #3: April 17, 2003

My belly is as round as the full moon that peaks out at me from behind the spring rain clouds.

I love the reaction I get when I am asked how much longer I have to go with this pregnancy and I tell the folk that my time is due at the end of summer (August 24^th by Nagel’s Rule). "OH MY" they say as their eyes bulge and look at my ever expanding girth.

I do feel large. I look large. My belly that is. I am happy that I have been able to keep the rest of me pretty much the same size. I have decided that I am NOT going to succumb to the floral prints of pregnancy. As I sifted through my collection of maternity wear, I realized that I was due for a change of pace. I have slowly been collecting a nice array of things, and actually spending a few dollars on some rather wonderful things that make me feel like a million dollars. I refuse to "dress" pregnant, even if I have a belly that gives me, thus far, a 42-inch waist. I have spent the last year changing a look I have had for many years. My hair is different, my clothes are different. I don’t want that to change just because I am pregnant. There is no need to go back. I like looking good and want to display myself in the fashion that I have created in my non-pregnant self. I feel good, I look great. At least I think so.

I am going away this weekend with my husband. We have not been away together alone since before our first child was born. We will be going to a place that we hope to move to some day (in the mountains). I’m looking forward to this trip. It is not the extended tropical vacation we had planned prior to this pregnancy, but it is more than we have had in a long while. A bit of hiking, dinner out, no rushing to get back home to the kids, waking up at least two mornings in a row without being kicked in the head by a toddler who is hogging the bed. I am hoping for 48 hours of bliss, knowing that on Monday we drive back to reality.

I have stopped working. It feels so good to not have to worry about going in and making it through a shift. The last shift I did took everything from me and it took two days to recover. I work the night shift, and a 12 hour shift at that. Though the work is not strenuous, it is tiring on a body that is growing two babies, and any amount of lost sleep is not a good thing. I have the benefit of being Canadian. I am able to go on leave due to a variety of factors that come with carrying multiples. I am grateful. Now I can relax and not worry about getting the shifts in so that my leave pay will be adequate to supplement the family income.

My sister is here with her boy who is all of 21 months. We are a great family together and have grown to be a solid unit over the years. Everyone has a role that we naturally fall into when she is here. I am very thankful for I get to rest through out the day. I know that the health of these babies will be greatly attributed to the fact that she has been here to take the daily pressures of housekeeping off my shoulders. I am grateful, for I know that there are many women that do not have this in their life. I love my nephew. He is so totally attached to his mom. It is sweet to watch them. We are having a good laugh due to the fact that in this home I am called mom, and my sister is called JoJo. Her son has picked up on this and now calls me mommy, and my sister JoJo (but not all the time!)…Got to love that 21-month-old kind of thinking......lol. As a blended family it has it’s challenges, but over all, everyone’s needs are being met, and life is actually wonderful. Gosh….everyone should live like this (and I believe in some cultures they do!).

My main focus in the last few weeks has been nutrition. I am sick of counting protein grams. I go to bed every night with a peanut butter sandwich and milk combo, just to make sure I’m hitting my quota for the day. I have been having sweet cravings, but thinking, "If I eat that I wont be hungry for the good stuff". I give in usually and make sure I get my allotment of "good stuff" in at dinnertime. I can honestly say…I’m never hungry, even when not giving into the cravings. From the protein drink I take in immediately after rising, to the PB sandy and milk at bedtime, I am stuffed all day long. I don’t really know what I’m going to do when the babies are at 34+ weeks and I have no room to put this food!

Ahhhhhhhhhh the babies.

They are moving. They have become big enough so that their kicks are powerful enough to watch my belly punch out the tiniest bit. I can distinguish who is moving and when. Though there is no pattern quite yet, I know they are doing well. My feels are that I am carrying a girl and a boy. This is from my food preferences, and the way I have experienced the pregnancy to date. The babies are lying head to head in a transverse lie, at last assessment. I feel that the baby lying uppermost is the boy, and the other is a girl. And for some reason I feel the boy is bigger. My thoughts and feelings are not concrete so that I will feel disappointment if they are not boy and girl it is just a fantasy. My 3 children also say the babies will be of each sex. I think of all combination ( b-b, g-g, and b-g). No one is more desirable than the other, I am prepared for anything. Having had both boys and a girl, and hoarded their clothes from birth, I feel prepared for whatever maybe. I was thinking of checking, but at the last moment, my dear husband spoke up and said "what for". I feel great about keeping the mystery.

I am still amazed that I have two growing babies inside of me. How lucky can a girl get! I truly believe that women secretly desire twins, or at least to have the sensation of being pregnant with twins. All the comments I have received so far have been about how lucky I am, and how blessed. Even though it gives us 5 children, the fact that twins are on the way seems to make it more acceptable by society’s standards (three children is more than enough, especially if you have one of each all ready). I am coming to terms with the reality of raising two small babies at once. I know that the time from birth to potty training will be the most exhausting. I keep reading about the 200 diapers per week twins go through and feel the need to call the diaper service people right away. I know this will not be easy, but who said life is easy. I feel blessed that after having three wonderful children, that the "powers that be" feel I am strong enough to handle twins. Everyone that I am close to says that if anyone can rise to the challenge of birthing twins and raising them it is my husband and I. Wow, what a compliment! But the easy part is happening now. They are tucked inside my belly safe and sound.

My youngest son was reading to me the other day, and the one baby was really moving about as he read. I tried to have my son feel the kicks, but the movement stopped as soon as the reading stopped. The baby that was moving is the one that I feel is a male child. Is he connecting to his brother already? I will now make for special times for the kids to each talk with their siblings. The boys are excited about the babies. My daughter…well as she is still nursing, and the double pregnancy has made the nursing less than comfortable for me, we might have an issue when the babies arrive and they monopolize the booby. We are working on that though.

I have chosen someone for my prenatal care. I have happy. I know that my appointments, while short and too the point will not be spent arguing about the "what ifs" of a twin pregnancy. I have all the emotional support I need right under my own roof, and have the whole support of the birth community that I have immersed myself in over the last 7 years. I have made it clear that I am making educated choices, and will not be pressured into problem seeking care. I feel respected to say the least.

My feelings regarding birth are simple…"where’s the closet?" My choices in the past reflected my growing into knowing birth. I have gathered support form many corners in those past births and have found that I can find all that within myself. I know that all the choices I have before me have their positives and negatives. I don’t yet know what is right for me. I have made some solid decisions though, and feel good about these. What I don’t like is the whole professional climate when it comes to birth. Another reason I like the person doing my prenatal care, they understand the conflict that exists between the birthing professionals. I still have a long ways to go until these babies make an appearance, so I am still not concerning myself, yet.

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Part 4

Due in May