The beginning of life for every family is steeped in wonder and joy for the most part. Our family was grown to a size that was comfortable and I had been struggling with the desire to have one more child grow in me.

For most of the year of 2002 I dealt with a kaleidoscope of emotions that neither confirmed nor refuted my desire. I carried on with life and neither avoided nor sought out pregnancy. My idea was if it was to be it would be. And if not, so be it. My husband and I have tossed the idea of permanent measures to ensure non-procreation. But had yet to act upon it. During the summer of 2002, I found new life within me. I was feeling good, looking svelte and looking for fun. Nights out dancing with the girls reaffirmed my sexuality. I looked long at myself, and kept asking the question. ”Am I ready to never have another child, am I truly the mother of three?” In many ways I said “yes”. I was enjoying this feeling of finally being free from diapers, free from small children that couldn’t communicate, and enjoying my away time to be with friends and not so physically tied to a nursling (though my youngest was still nursing, separation was not an issue). The year waned, and other new things came to be, a bigger house for one. The whole renewal of life meant getting out of the small, dusty house we had grown out of and we moved to a new home that was wonderfully open and clean. It couldn’t get any better.

Fast forward to the last full moon of the year. My husband and I went out to dinner and I looked at the full moon high in the sky. So bright and lively. I normally clock my cycles by the moon and made the comment to my darling that tomorrow I’ll be flowing so I guess some friskiness was due for that evening, unless I was already pregnant and it wouldn’t matter. Words that would echo back to me the next day.

I am very regular in my cycles and am always surprised when I am not. As I sat at my computer the next morning I looked at the calendar. Yup, full moon. December 19. Remembering that I flowed during the “Mother Wellness” program in November. Thinking…”Hey wait!” The date was November 17!…that means….counting…oh my gosh…I’m pregnant!

A trip to the drug store and two pregnancy test later, it is confirmed. I am indeed expecting. My husband is in shock, he is not ready for more kids. I bark at him, “well having unprotected sex is not a good way to avoid pregnancy”. Emotions run a bit high, I am stunned, happily stunned. Patrick is going to take a bit to sink in. It seems as if all our pregnancies have thrown him for a loop. He is never ready for the news.

The symptoms of pregnancy hit me about a week later. The nausea is debilitating. I imagine all the women that feel this way during their whole pregnancy. My heart goes out to them while I sit with my head between my knees. The only thing that is keeping the nausea away is to eat, and eat and eat. I’m thinking "my God, I’m going to put on half my pregnancy weight during the first two months of gestation"!

I wait till after the New Year to contact a midwife. I feel that I am very early and not need to rush to any care provider. I’m a smart woman; I know how to care for myself. I call them in mid January to let them know I have chosen them as my primary caregiver. I start the care by getting my blood work done, asking to have the HCG levels checked (there has got to be some reason for this incredible nausea.). I had started on a vitamin B complex and that took the nausea away in two days. I felt dumb for not starting sooner as I knew it was one remedy for nausea. I feel so good now I don’t even feel pregnant. I feel big though, with all the eating! But the scale shows a normal weight, hmmmmmm guess I was down a lot more than I had imagined. (No wonder my clubbing clothes looked so good!) Laughingly, I tell people at work, if the HCG levels are high it could be twins. But they are not and so I put that out of my mind. My first appointment I ask for a 5-second listen to the heartbeat. Baby is there, it sounds wonderful. I’m happy all is well and carry on with life. I tell my midwife I will contact her when I feel the baby move and will make an appointment then.

Well fast forward to now.

Last weekend I spent 24 hours in the cardiac care unit for a heart arrhythmia. I had awoken from sleep at 4:45 PM. I had worked the night before and was doing a day sleep to get ready for another night shift. I have realized that I wake up hungry and so had made a sandwich to eat in hope of going back to sleep until later. After eating, I lay back down and read a bit (Naomi Wolfe: Misconceptions). As I have been extremely (can’t believe I’m about to write this) horny with this pregnancy I took care of business and continued my read. I took note that the increased heart rate that comes with climax was not going down. I sat up thinking I might have to pee, and that would bring it down. Nope. I got out of bed and went down stairs.

If you can understand what it is like to have your heart racing, you know it is not comfortable. I thought that some deep breathing and taking my mind off of it might help. No. I called the on-call midwife to ask what I should do. Her response was to go to the emergency room. By this time it had been an hour and that is not good to have your heart race like that. I took my pulse and found it to be at least 140 beats per minute at rest. I was alone at home at that time and thankfully a great friend of mine was on her way to work (she works as a RN in cardiac care!). I was no sooner in the ER than I was hooked up to no less than a dozen wires and an IV. I was on strict bedrest and couldn’t even get up to pee without sending my heart racing to the 170’s. One of the nurses tried to get a listen to the baby, but it was showing a heart rate of 147 and mine was 140…I didn’t trust that the Doppler was giving a true reading and asked to have the thing taken away. I really wanted to see the baby and visualize a beat (or non-beating) heart. I didn’t want wishy-washy results.

My husband had come to see me as soon as he could, leaving our three kids with friends. I spoke to him of my concerns for baby and said…”if baby was not okay, that was okay, and I would be okay”. He needed to go and look after our other three while I was there. I had friends to support me and he could come when he could arrange it. We would have contact by phone when I could arrange to have one near me. He left knowing I was strong and could deal with the situation. Another life journey. Was I afraid? I didn’t have the heart to feel anything, when I knew nothing of what was going on.

While in the ER. I had two doses of a drug called adenosine. The doc told me it would make me feel like I was going to die, but it only lasted 6 seconds. They assured me that the short acting nature of the drug would not affect the baby. What other choice had I but to go with the treatment? My heart rate was not going down any other way. I laughingly said that as I worked hospice that it may give me insight into the residents I cared for. The treatment did not work, and as all the doctors had no idea what to do with me, I was eventually transferred by ambulance to the major cardiac care center in the city and the one with the most highly technical OB unit. Once there, I was set upon by no less than 5 nurses, everyone either hooking my up to heart monitor leads, oxygen, oxygen saturation monitor, blood pressure cuff going off every half hour, or taking notes and asking admission questions. If I so much as sneezed I set off at least two alarms. I had two EKGs done and an echocardiogram during my stay. Everyone I encountered was so friendly. I made a few laugh, humor being one way to off set the amount of stress I was feeling and trying not to show. I was shown the greatest respect.

I had expressed concern about what was going on with the baby. My concern stemmed from the fact that possibly I had lost the baby and my body was reacting to the loss. The doctor caring for me called for an OB to come up with an U/S and check to see if baby was okay. My best friend had arrived on the scene at this time and was a great comfort. She held my hand and took in all that was said, reassuring me all the while. Eventually the portable u/s machine was wheeled in and I prepared for the worst, the baby was gone.

I was not prepared for what was to come next…

The OB’s words…”what would you say if I told you that there were two babies in here?”

Dumb founded shock!!!

There I am holding my friend’s hand waiting for this awful news only to be told that not only is baby okay….baby has a *friggen* playmate!!!

Gosh golly, my world flips around and around, I swear a bit…something to the tune of “Holy fuck!….my husband is gonna shit!!” Everyone around the bed is staring at me in silence, Cathy (my friend) and I begin to laugh…I told you so! I said.

Oh my, oh my!!

Well the OB leaves and everyone has smiles on their faces. Amazingly, I have not set off any alarms. The OB will be back to spend a bit more time with me and have another look at the babies.

I call my husband and tell him the news. You can imagine the surprise and shock. I call my sister. Same reaction. I tell them that I am okay and will call in the morning. After a while it has been decided to give me a medication called Metoprolol. It works in bringing down my heart rate some (after a few more doses it is under 100 beats per minute by morning.).

Cathy is asked to leave so that I may sleep in hopes of rest further reducing my heart rate. I can’t sleep all night. I’m a wreck in the morning. I can only imagine what the road to birth will be like now. I am labeled…high-risk twins and a cardiac arrhythmia.

The journey that is now laid before me is one that is completely opposite of what I have been imagining. How could this be, how could I go from simple having my last birth, at home with a midwife I know and trust, to this new label that is putting every regulation that the midwives have in front of me. Not only am I now risked out of their care, I destined to birth in hospital…how freak’n topsy-turvey can this get?

My options?

I am exploring them.

For now, I feeling, relaxing and reading. I still trust birth. I still trust my body. I’m just tired of being tested. Regardless of how much God has blessed me, I really could have done with just a nice homebirth in my back yard hot tub.

***********************************************

Read Entry Two