Entry Two: March 17, 2003

The moon is full tomorrow. It laughs at me and shines on me at the same time. Four moons ago I looked at it and made reference to a pregnancy that is now a reality. The moon laughs at me.

I have 6 more moons to look at before I anticipate the arrival of my babies. I have been become public property at work. Or at least my belly has. I love it though. They all wish me the best and also have a good laugh at the fact that I am expecting twins, when not so long ago I was contemplating not having any more babies pass through me. The laughing is not mean, just good fun. These women are not the type. Word gets round fast and even the families of the hospice residents I care for know that I am having two babies. People that I have never known before are offering their good will and wishes, even as I care for the ones they are about to lose.

I have loved going to work. I feel a sense of belonging. They all know me as the "birth fanatic". I have learned to temper my passion. They all know it is there, I don’t need to yak too much about it. Though I still see that they truly do not understand the process of which I am passionate about.

There is one gal that has three c/s. Her second ended as a UR. He child has CP. She calls him her miracle baby. She mentioned it one night as we discussed my passion. I asked her one simple question, "Did you have Pitocin"…her answer "yes". Another co-worker has just come back from maternity leave…she too had a c/s……got to hospital at 7 cms….took an epi at 8.5 cms…..was c/s’d for failure to progress. She asked the nurse…."is this c/s really necessary?..the answer she got…"yes".

I am bold in my opinions. I told the second gal that asking for the free labor support could have prevented the c/s. No one told her how good she was doing. No one told her how far she had come. No one told her that this was normal to feel the way she was (wanted it to stop and that she couldn’t do it any more). Seven months later I told her how normal it really was and how abnormal the epi made it. I said…"I’m sorry".

I have had more people tell me about the "risks" of birthing twins, then celebrate. The all say…."you need to be in hospital". The support I get that says…."I did it at home"…did so with facing a struggle.

I’m tired of thinking of the struggle. It makes me sad.

So I’m not.

I am enjoying every single tinge, discomfort, hemorrhoid, burp, waddle and belly rub. I am relishing in my pregnancy. Oh gosh!! I’ve got to babies in me!!!!

I am waiting to feel the consistent movement. I know where one is positioned. Right up top and across. I can feel the baby rubbing me. I got a good poke at the mall the other day. No way of calling that particular sensation gas. Though some times I lie in bed and feel movement and get all excited…then I fart. Yeah. I go back to tuning in to my belly and distinguishing the sensations, knowing that soon I will have a wiggly tumble belly that will unmistakably be all babies moving.

The children in my life now are excited. They announce the twins to all who will listen. Like we have won the lottery. I think I have. My husband thinks we have broken the bank.

My dear husband. He is in shock. Though he seems more attuned to this pregnancy and me than the other three. He said to me the other week, "you know, the babies never really are concrete to me until I can hold them. I now feel like, I have to make these ones real before they come." This is different. He encourages my walks. He encourages my rest. It is like he is growing these babies too. He knows the decisions that are to be made in the future. We talk about OUR comfort levels. He is expressing his points of view, and I am expressing mine. Most of the time they are the same. We want the same outcome; both the babies and I birthed safely.

I am totally focusing on the here and now. I am planning how I am going to monitor my pregnancy. It really doesn’t matter. I will schedule the care. I will do or not do as I wish and as I see fit. I will not be bullied. I will face any adversity and negativity with a straight face and a smile. I will do what I know is best.

I am looking forward to the sunshine and warm weather. I want to shed my heavy clothes and let my belly breathe the air. The skin already gets tight across the scar line. I am carrying high and wide. I am waiting to go for walks with the children in the summer sun, them riding their bikes, me trundling behind pumping the blood through my heart, muscles and uterus, breathing deeply and giving the babies the wonderful oxygen that a healthy body can give them.

My sister and best friend (besides my husband) arrives tomorrow. She is my greatest support system. We work like yin and yang. She completes me in many ways that only a sister can. I know that exercise is a must when she is around. We will be doing pilates, yoga and walking, and maybe a bit of swimming. In the summer we will be camping with my family, and her and her son. I am looking forward to it.

There are so many pleasures to be looked for this summer. The pregnancy is just one of them. I am looking forward to them all. And I will enjoy the love and family that will surround me.

The babies will come. They will come when they need to come. I am leaving it up to them. This is a birth of their own making. I will pave the way and make sure that they will come into this world in a safe manner. What this manner will be I haven’t got clue. I haven’t thought that far ahead.

Right now I’m just enjoying writing out my thoughts, looking forward to hugging my kids to sleep, watching my favorite Monday night show and falling asleep. I don’t worry about tomorrow anymore. If it is there, it is there, and when I open my eyes, I will thank God that another day has dawned for me…and then I’ll get dressed and go get my sister from the airport.

********************************************************************************

Read Entry #3

Back to Home Page