Pregnancy Journal #7: July 15, 2003

The full moon of July has come and gone. I watched it wane through a magnificent display of fire works two nights before it was full. Over the next two days I focused on how I feel at this point of the pregnancy. Many thoughts, feelings and emotions certainly came to mind. The melody of life has a different tune now that I have become "great with baby(ies)". The tune is slow and sluggish, dragging through the chorus of the day. I welcome each and every nap, each and every night as I rest my head and HUGE body down so that much needed sleep can over come me and I can escape this clumsy frame that I carry every day.

My body has been incredible through this pregnancy. It just keeps growing and growing and growing. I am amazed at the capacity that it has put forth in growing these babies. But then again…I am not. Women’s bodies were meant to do just as my body is doing. The weight gain has been astonishing. Never in my life would I ever have imagined my body blossoming to the degree that it has. My most recent glance in the window as I sat on the railing on my deck took me by surprise…..My first thought was…"I look like tweedle-dee (to tweedle-dumb)! My small head on this enormous body, my belly protruding out, like some great medicine ball tucked under my shirt. My arse sticking out back as a ballast tot he growing weight in front. My head went dizzy. Of course I laughed about it, but that second of reflection was very startling. I know my body has a memory of what it likes to feel like when not pregnant or nursing a child…. I accept that I time, it will revert back to it. And I know that at this point in life I have made promises to my body that once child bearing is over, it will enjoy a good life for years to come.

For now…

My body is serving me well enough. No it is not behaving as I would like. I would like for my body to feel energized, it doesn’t. I would like to be able to walk a flight of stairs, it doesn’t without my heart pounding for the next half-hour. I would like to be able to go for a walk with the kids and be able to make it home again and not feel as if my sacroiliac joints are about to burst wide open (something I feel they already have done). I refrain from much activity to prevent getting so tired I am useless. I still have the rest of my family to be there for. I am still a mom and wife. In all my pregnancies I have never felt the urge for it to be over. I have never welcomes labor as I do now. Each tightening I get I visualize the cervix being opened, thinned, ready to just pop that first baby out. As the tightening wanes…I feel the relaxation of the womb, not quite ready to give up its treasure. And at the same time, I ask myself, am I ready? My body is also acting in other ways. I am puffy. My wedding band sits on my pinkie finger for the last month; recently I noticed that an indent is evident even upon waking in the morning. I walk down stairs and pour myself a glass of juice; my feet are puffy too. If I don’t sit down they begin to tingle. At night my feet are unrecognizable as my own. I can feel the enormous amount of blood in my body. My veins pop out of my skin on my hands, if I hold my hand above my heart, I can feel the blood rushing out of the vessels. As the womb tightens, I feel the surge of blood being shifted from the large muscle of my womb, into my circulatory system, my heart beats stronger and pounds in my ears. This is something I have not been able to get used to.

And the babies continue to grow, oblivious to all that goes on inside. I feed myself great amounts of food for their sake. I drink copious amounts of water for their sake. I rest all day, for their sake. My life is theirs for the most part. I am grateful that the three kids that live outside my body have a support system around them and are old enough to have an understanding that "mommy" is growing babies and that she can not do all they desire of her. I tell them…"after the babies come, mommy will be able to move about with ease, and we can play more together". For now we must make do with reading, watching a video together, or just talking. I am thankful that children are so forgiving. I am thankful to have a mate that makes sure the children are taken care of, that I get a chance to rest this body of mine so that the babies are born when they need to be, and not too early, and that they get everything they need in order to grow big and strong.

I have the advantage of having a great family support system. That system is mainly consistent of my sister. She has come and made my life easy. She looks after my home so that I can do the same thing that my husband is allowing me to do…rest. She looks after the home, while my husband looks after the children. We are a great unit. I can only imagine having to do all they do while feeling the way I do. I am very thankful that I have what I have.

Emotionally I have been going through phases of straight thinking and insanity. I know that I am a strong person and that I will be able to deal with the coming of the babies. I know that the first few weeks will be a blur of nursing, sleeping, diapers and roller coaster emotions as my body gets used to the not being pregnant any more. I know that many moms have come thorough the event of twins with relative ease. The ease coming with having the support as I have stated that I have. This does not mean I do not have my fears. I had a weekend from hell where I freaked out at the thought of having to look after my kids, my sister’s boy AND the twins without the help of my sister. I felt alone in that my needs were not being assessed to the degree that I desired. My whole being was in turmoil believing that I would be stuck with having to tend to 6 children, two being newborn and requiring every second of my time. My vision of my post partum period was one of struggle with nursing two babies from one breast, while small children asked for breakfast, or crying because they are two and three years old and don’t have the ability to problem solve on their own. After promptly expelling much emotion and inflicting my irrational thoughts on my support system, I was able to settle back and we all looked at the solution to calm my fears. It didn’t take much, but now I am in a place where the babies could come, and I could look after the world and them all at the same time. My confidence has been restored. PHEW!

I am looking forward to birthing these babies, and now look forward to when they do come. I welcome it each day, as the tightenings grow stronger and more frequent. Thought at 34 weeks I know they are not ready. People ask me when I am due. I am at a loss for words. I’m due now, I’m due in 6 weeks, I could go 8 more weeks (heaven forbid!!). The not knowing disheartening at times for I know once out, I will be able to move about again, my comfort level will increase and I will have more energy. This makes me want the babies to come sooner than later. On the night of the full moon I had a dream that my membranes released. In this dream I kept thinking that the babies were floating so high, and that the cords were going to prolapse, that I needed to have a cesarean. Later in the dream I relieved my bowels on the front steps of the hospital, got in my van and drove home with my husband and sister. When I awoke, I was surprised that I was in my bedroom, and the hard ball under my hand was indeed my still pregnant belly. Though in the dream I had not birthed. Crazy!

I look forward to the coming of the next full moon (Aug. 12). I truly feel that the babies will come by then, if not on that night. At my last OB appointment I mentioned this to Colin. I felt respected when he strode over to the calendar to check if that indeed was a day that he was on call. I felt that his manner was very much respectful of how I think and feel. It has been little things like this that have made the appointments enjoyable, short, but enjoyable. The full moon is now 25 days away. I am not sure if I want to be pregnant like this for another 25 days. Just sitting here writing out my thoughts gives me heartburn as my 45-cm uterus pushes up against my stomach. The babies are both breech, so my cervix is getting a nice beating. The babies are also still small enough to roam around in the belly, turning this way and that. I thought one baby moving about was weird, two is incredible.

I would not give up this experience for the world. The saying is that no two pregnancies are alike, and no tow births are alike. I can attest to that. I have been blessed to have two babies growing in me. I can truly say I have "been there and done that". My experiences with birth are vast, and I am glad that I work within a profession that will allow me to experience pregnancy and birth for the rest of my days. The empathy I will be able to share is great. I believe I have been given these experiences as gifts from God. I am living this so that I will be stronger in my convictions towards women having wonderful births, and not births that are fraught with fear and ignorance.

So for now, I am waiting. After this week, the babies can come when they will and I will not be concerned that they are too early. I have written that I will be starting to prepare for the birth after my 35^th week. I am already making plans and preparing myself for the birth. I feel good about all that is before me. I feel supported in all my choices. I know that I can turn to any number of persons and I will be able to count on them to be there. I know that the path is laid already and that I must follow my intuition while walking it. I have no clue as to what the path is.….that is the beauty of it. For me…my higher power (God) knows what is to be. I put full trust in this and will follow what is in my heart. I know that I will walk the right path, so that when the birth is over, I will look about and be happy and secure about the choices I made when the time was at hand.