Journal Entry #6: June 26, 2003

The new moon scoop….

Well here I sit…..which is something I do quite often. I have had this urge to write about my body. All the feelings and sensations of late pregnancy have been incredible. I just had to share.

Most of my journal writings have been about events that have been going on with my life. Which has been great!…I can’t complain about 90% of it.. The other 10% well, we can’t all have a rosy life all the time.

My gosh...my body. My whole image of body is becoming distanced from itself. Well, not really. When I entered this pregnancy I wanted to ensure that I could still feel myself as I was pre-pregnant. My image was to be that of a glowing self, whether slender and club hopping, or vastly pregnant and waddling. Yeah right. The vastly pregnant has taken on a life of it’s own. This belly of mine is incredible...it’s insane! To all who have the secret wish to carry twins…your nuts! The strain it has placed on me in particular has been great. The cardiac thing has been a pain in the ass. I’m in a catch 22 of sorts when it comes to actively moving this body about. What to do…what to do???

I’m about ready to tear out the pages of "Having Twins" that has a woman who swam every day of her pregnancy. I’m thinking….she doesn’t have three other kids…that’s for sure. I think this while gazing at the brand new bathing suit hanging in my closet, tags still attached. I’m gonna take it back to the store and go get a massage with the money I get back...that’s what I’m gonna do! Exercise..yeesh!….I wish. I love moving about, walking, biking, swimming, yoga, anything!!…only right now. If I even try to squeeze the thigh master my heart shoots up to 120 beats/minute. Not really, but my sister did offer it to me after her work out and I declined knowing what good would 10 squeezes be if that is all I’ll be doing. I kissed her good night, went and got my bedtime snack and headed off to bed.

My biggest thought pattern is….

Is my heart reacting like this, and I’m activity intolerant due to the tachycardia and meds?….or is the lack of activity causing me to be activity intolerant? This is a hard one to answer. I attempt to plan swimming time as that is about all I can see myself doing that is body friendly. But time wise…it’s just isn’t going to happen. My mornings are taken up with looking after little ones (my dd and my nephew), and when dh gets up from his night shift, I’m off for my nap, which if I don’t get…I’m hooped for the rest of the day by 4 p.m. So next comes boys home from school, supper, dh off to work, kids to bed, and me to bed…..cause if I don’t…I pay the price with swollen legs, aching SI joint, and major fatigue. Fun huh? My blood volume is so great that when my uterus tightens I feel my blood vessels expand with the extra blood, making me feel full. My veins actually feel tight. It only lasts for a second, but what a rush. At night, if I’m late taking my medication my heart starts to race. I have had to increase my medication tot he original dose to keep it from racing. It is very disconcerting to feel ones heart pounding you ears for the time it takes for the medication to take affect. Needless to say…I am fairly vigilant with my meds.

I think the whole thing is rather hilarious. Twins….lol….

Now don’t get me wrong…..I love these babies I’m carrying. And with all the rest I’m getting, I’m sure to have two 8 pounders drop out of me when the time comes! I live for these little ones, and I am doing all I can to make sure they stay in as long as possible. Which in the long run is my plan. Sure I want to be active and have a great "active" pregnancy. In my heart I know what I’m doing is the best for these babies. So if I sit on my arse for a good portion of the day…so be it. I look at my belly and tell these babies to soak up all the energy they can.

My body….oh dear….can it stretch anymore than it has?? Right now I am sporting a 46 inch waist line….that was a 26 when they implanted. The fundal height is over 40 cms…it is a great big term belly. And I still have at least 5 weeks to go. Good gosh golly. I don’t even feel the expansion now. I have gotten so used tot he stretched tight feelings. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have the burn scars on the upper abdomen….cause that is really what bugs me the most. All the pants I have that go over the belly seem to nicely rest on this tight band of tissue, driving me up the wall. So I go around the house with my belly exposed wearing sports tops, and tights that are pulled off my belly. Ohhhhhhhh baaaaaaaaby!!!

All the clothes I purchased at the start of this pregnancy have gotten to tight under the belly. I can only wear them for short periods of time. And truthfully, I would rather wear a sack dress at this time (well not in public!!) I make myself feel great and look great when I go out to appointments and the like. But more and more it is the effort of getting ready keeps me home. So all those nice clothes just hang in the closet. I should consign them and go buy myself some nice summer dresses, ones that don’t look like they came out of the 70’s….lol

My sleep has been great. I get plenty of it. Well, if I limit my water intake just prior to bed, and don’t have a cup of tea…I’m not up 4 and 5 times a night. I can actually get 6 whole hours if I time it just right. But WHOOOAAAAAAAAA in the morning, getting out of bed is NOT fun. The full bladder and my SI joint from lying in one place for so long..lol…oh my!! Get that on film and send it to the "funniest home movie" people. Your sure to win.

School is out for the summer..yippee!!! I have been waiting for this day for a good long month now. The boys are tired and wanting to sleep in.…well they can now. I’m looking forward to them just playing. Having fun and getting berry brown and blond. They are happy it is here too. My favorite part is not having to make lunches and snacks 5 days a week…woo hoo!

My sister and I have been creating my home for me. By this I mean we have been painting wallpapering and putting up pictures. When we moved into this house all the walls were the same color, cool white pink. Our efforts have been in making the home warm. We are nesting for when the babies arrive. We are making their home. The children’s rooms and the main living areas have been pretty much completed. With a couple cans of paint and some garage sale fodder we have made some very special rooms to live, play and sleep in. It has been fun. I am looking forward to our next project which is the master bedroom, I know my resting time will be even better when it is complete.

Resting. That seems to be the whole focus of this pregnancy. Making Patti rest. Growing these babies. I make that my focus, but really, I can’t wait to have my body back. The body that doesn’t have huge amounts of blood flowing through it, the body that can bend over to pick up a dropped item. All the things that are so simple to many are just not possible for me right now. This is usually a short time period for me. When I normally get to this stage, I am close to term and the babies comes and poof, normal again. The mental strain that occurs from having to adjust to the feelings of being term and NOT being term are amazing….I now know how Leilah feels. I’m frustrated at what I am not able to do. Not being able to volunteer at the boys’ school due to the fact that I would nearly collapse at the end of the day if I did. The boys have been very patient and understanding. They know that it will be different when the babies come and their mommy can move around a bit more.

I have been preparing myself for the parenting of these babies. Oh boy. There is so much that I can plan, yet not plan. I have no clue what it will be like. Nursing two babies from one breast. What will that be like? What will I do when they both want to nurse at the same time? My sister is here, but I can’t imagine the babies will tolerate nursing from anyone but me. And as the birthday gets closer, I become more possessive of these babies. I don’t know how I would feel having my dear one nurse from someone else. Regardless of what I plan…I know I cannot act on anything until they babies have arrived.

I did buy a change table last weekend. The reality of actually buying something for the babies has made them even more real. The reality of this growing belly is so surreal that it has taken the change table to bring the reality forward. The next step is to sort out the clothes and T-shirts and diapers. I have to restock the homeopathic kit. Making ready for the babies is unreal. I think about it all the time, but acting on it is a totally different thing. I was talking about making up the labor/birth kit to my sister the other day, the mental checklist of things that will be needed for any and all situations. The thoughts of washing, folding and wrapping up receiving blankets for each baby were weird. Getting out the bulb syringe, making sure batteries are ready and fully charged, having a mirror on hand, filling up the bottle of cleaner for the tub so it will be spic and span for laboring in. the biggie is the phone list. This almost commits me to knowing the birth is soon. Who will actually be on the phone list? Who do I want here? Who wants to be here and wants to be called, but I’m not sure of? The finality of it all is mind boggling. And the end of it all is two babies waiting to be born; blissfully unaware of the impact they will have on me…the rest of the family. They don’t care about time lines or phone calls in the night, or if the blankets are ready. They happily grow inside of me, expanding my belly and body to enormous proportions, getting ready to take their first breath and to begin a whole new existence.

I will be ready. That I know…..and that has nothing to do with phone lists, blankets or diapers.

Thanks for reading.