Tonight the full moon should glide across the sky, and for a small amount of time due to the eclipse, it will be blood red in color. There are some clouds that might obscure the sight, but that does not mean that the full moon does not exist. In my mind I think of the fullness that my belly mimics. Each month as my belly swells I look forward to the full moon. I have tried to write on days when the moon is not full, but I can’t. The words do not flow. So here I sit getting ready for my on-line chat about homebirth and thinking of the moon and of this pregnancy.

Physically I am well. I feel good. Really, I feel tired. The 100% increase in blood volume with a twin pregnancy makes my heart pound in my ears. I had planned to take daily walks around my neighborhood (3 km); I can barely make it to the kid’s school without being out of breath (5 blocks). I drive everywhere. I do slow yoga to keep my limbs stretched and supple. My pelvis bones, ligaments and muscles have not had the gentle growth of a singleton pregnancy to become accustomed to the changes and demands of pregnancy. My adductors in my groins are not used to the dynamic changes that are occurring. Movement (pretty much all movement) makes me feel like a snail as I adjust to this swiftly growing body. I do not bemoan all this; it is just surprising that after three incredible pregnancies I feel like this is the first time I have ever carried a child in my belly! I am awed by these changes and humbled by the experience of knowing that one can learn new things every day about their body.

I have many tightenings in a day. I must listen to my body and when I get 3 or more in a short period of time, I sit down. I have to say "no" to my dd when she asks to nurse, which breaks both our hearts. We save nursing till she is ready to sleep and for when she wakes up. The two times when she becomes that perpetual baby and needs to be lulled by the soothing sucking at the breast. The hormones of pregnancy have made the nursing a tender affair. The latching on makes my toes curl!! Again I have to listen to my body and to me it says….it is time to slow down and get ready for the two on the way. I know if my daughter nurses frequently, I am more tired at night and sleep fitfully. How to say no when I know that, if not for the pregnancy, I would continue to nurse her till she weans on her own, just as her brother did.

I am so happy to have my sister with me. I am sure that the success of the pregnancy is a great part due to her enabling me to get the rest I need. She has taken over the task of the majority of tasks (laundry, dishes, dusting, floor washing, etc., etc.…). We have developed a great system that really proves that a household runs very well when there are more than one female in the home. Especially one that lives by the motto "Clean as you go. No clean. No go." We both identify what needs to be done and do it. I rely heavily on her in many ways and have known for years that I tend to step back when she is on the scene. Over the years we have established a rhythm to how we work together, it is wonderful, and at the end of the day (literally) we can sit back and enjoy a clean house, well cared for children, well prepared food, and a sense of completion. Some days it is like a dream.

I have to constantly remind myself that my husband needs to be tended to as well. The relationship I have with him is so different then that of my sister. My sister is very giving in physical ways (foot rubs, back rubs), and in return I give the same as a natural reaction. With my husband, he was not raised this way, and giving freely of oneself physically, does not come easily, so he does not benefit from the natural exchange that my sister and I share. This has been an issue between us for a variety of reasons. This is not to say he is not giving. He gives till his heart bursts in ways that he knows best. He has been a partner in the achievement of all my dreams and goals since I met him. I am now in a situation where giving of myself is strained (being tired all the time and having to take for myself in order to nurture the pregnancy). I feel I must make a stronger commitment to ensuring my husband feels included in my love and in my attention giving.

The children are adapting to the pregnancy and my abilities. Their lives have gone unchanged and all situations that cause strife have been nipped in the bud so all can grow to the best of their abilities. They are still children though. My saying to my sister is that mothers make their own work with children. Examples are: leave a black permanent marker where small 22 month old can reach it, and next thing you know…your on your knees scrubbing a wall, which of course leads to cleaning the whole darn wall if you haven’t yet gotten to the spring wall washing yet. Hmmmmm.. Another good one is…give them a sweet treat that has a smidgen of food dye in it…slushy drinks from the local store is a prime example…..Next you know you have children bouncing off the walls and fighting over who did what to whom. The stress levels go up and your energy goes to trying to get them in order again, which of course never happens because of the fact that you have to wait for the biological clearing of the offending substance you allowed them to drink in the first place. I love them all the same and just make sure that markers are put away, and I keep slushy drinks to weekends when I can send the kids outside to play for a couple hours. Gosh…even I get cravings for slushy drinks.

I am still on medication for my heart. It is a very small dose, but it is doing what it needs to do. If I miss a dose, or am late, my heart begins to race. I have addressed the tachycardia issue with my primary care giver. I will have to have a more direct route of medication administration (this means an IV), if it becomes an issue during labor. So I have something to chew on there. My only concern with this is that the type of medication is that it can cause bradycardia and hypo-tension in the newborn. My thought on this is that I will have to avoid all things that make a heart race ( as in staying away from events that cause adrenaline to flow). From this thought stems my plans for birth. Gosh…. I don’t really have anything planned, just lots of ideas.

The birth.

One of the hardest, yet easiest of things about this pregnancy has been thoughts about the birth of these babies. My only true thoughts are:

#1 I will go into the birth process, and

#2 the babies will come out.

Planning something that is, at present, so very far away is unreasonable for me. I like to have all my ducks in a row as soon as I can, and not being able to plan this birth is teaching me that one actually has no control over the body. We can control our circumstances to assist the body in working optimally, but plotting the natural course of events is ridiculous. I am purposefully not making plans because I do not know the course of events thus far. I am doing all I can to make sure these babies are well fed and get the energy they need to grow. So far my bulging belly and 30 pound weight gain are a testimony that I am doing very well in that department. Everything I read about twin pregnancy states that forcing oneself to eat the required protein intake has only paid off with longer pregnancies, and bigger babies. A goal of two 7 pound babies is a hefty one, but not unachievable as I have grown up to 9 pounds of baby already with my last pregnancy. I have to laugh that if I want to have two seven pound babies I must still grow approximately 10 pounds more baby…OY VEY! LMAO That is a lot of baby to grow in an average of 15 weeks or less (or more)!

As I sit here and read what I have written I realize that life goes on and the pregnancy is only a part of it, not the whole. Of course it demands my whole attention, for it controls my moods, my body and my energy. Though the birth is the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think of at night, I believe that not dwelling on the stressful aspects of it has been my greatest achievement. There are things I do not know what will be, and things I will not be able to change even if I wanted to, so what is the point of stressing. I have so many people ask me if this will be a homebirth. I can not say. I can not say that it will be a hospital birth either. I say "the people that will assist me do not yet know they will be with me during my babies’ birth". What is the point of dwelling and planning on that which I have no idea at this time. I know one thing. I am waiting till after my 34^th week to make any plans concrete. Before that it is not sensible to make plans, as plans have ways of controlling themselves. Though, I am putting everything before me and making sure that very few surprises occur that has not been forethought about. If the babies are born before  37 weeks, then my birth choices are limited to what is best for the babies. As well, I could wake up in labor at 37 weeks and the babies could be born in under half an hour (it has been known to happen). I want to let be what will be. I know where my support system lies. I know whom I have to contact and make arrangements with regards to all my options. Ignornace is not a factor in this pregnancy or pending birth, that is a concrete fact.

Last but not least….the babies: my little Pit and Pat (PitPat= nickname I had in childhood).

I am loving the sensations of these little ones moving about inside me. I am loving every bump and poke that comes from within, letting me know they are there. I can tell who is giving me a jab.

Pit: (? A girl) is down low and has gentle movements and thumps are soft and more internal than on the out side. This is the twin known as baby A and the one who will technically be born first due to the fact that this baby’s memebranes are closest to the cervix.

Pat: well Pat (who I think is a boy) is up top under my diaphram, and he gives really hard jabs that make my whole belly jump. Pat is more active. Pat will probably be the bigger of the two.

I like the way I am relating to each baby as an individual already. I was wondering how I was going to feel. I was wondering how I was going to be able to tell the difference between the two. But there is a definite difference. My u/s shows that there are two chorions, I do not know if the amnions are separate as well. If there is only one, then the babies are identical, which of course would mean that Pit and Pat are either both girls or  both boys. My feeling is that they are fraternal, and they are a girl and a boy. We have not sought out to check to see what sex they are, the mystery is a wonderful thing we want to unfold during the birth. My heart beats for both of them whether male or female, I don’t care. I am ready for both.

So now I go to check if the clouds are covering the blood red moon, and to kiss my older children and wish them a good night. I am off to tuck myself into bed for today was busy and I did not really get to have a nap, so my body is weary and my mind begins to stray to thoughts of sleep and comfort. I await the events of the next four weeks and anticipate what adventure they bring.

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